Have you ever wondered how to develop communication skills after saying something inappropriate? It’s time to change it!
We often speak our mind without much thinking.
And end up with conversations that are unproductive.
That’s because we come from a defensive mode.
Or a teaching mode.
We need to be in a loving mode instead.
Question for you: how would your life feel if you never had another argument?
Let me know.
How do I develop interpersonal skills?
I reprogram myself every day, replacing my default behaviors with more positive ones.
Developing communication skills with my mother
My most challenging conversations are with my mother.
Say, 5 years ago, we really struggled because we both were too pushy and not good listeners.
But when I talk to her now, I like my attitude 80% of the time.
With other 20%, I am still in a defensive or teaching mode.
For example, she often tells me that we are both difficult.
That triggers a defense response in me because I’ve been specifically working on improving that.
In the past, I would have started arguing with her to explain that I had improved.
I don’t do that anymore.
But I might still go into a semi-defensive mode.
Like asking her questions to make her notice the changes in me.
That’s an improvement, but it’s still a defensive mode.
Ultimate communication mode
What’s the ultimate communication mode?
It’s the loving mode.
I love the metaphor by Barbara DeAngelis about it.
She says that loving communication is like a tube connecting two people through which love, support, and appreciation flow back and forth.
You accept the other person unconditionally.
You shut down any thoughts about how they should be different or do things differently.
So how do you override your defensive or teaching mode with the loving one?
Here is a technique that I use.
CEO Technique
I call it “CEO.”
It stands for
● Cheer up
● Elevate
● Open up
Cheer up
Cheering up is saying or doing things that improve the mood of the group.
Like a simple genuine compliment.
For example, I might say something like this to my mother:
“You look great in this photo!”
She will feel better as a result.
And you can also cheer the other person by cheering yourself up.
For example, I can improve my own mood by acknowledging with emotion something that I like:
● “I love that graffiti.”
● “I am so happy we went for this walk in the park.”
I feel better as a result.
And it also sends out good vibes to my mother.
A Communication Coach Alex Lyon says:
“The way we communicate with other people is contagious. When we are encouraging to others, they will then be more encouraging in return. By making simple daily choices like this, we can completely change the social atmosphere over time.”
Elevating
Elevating is acknowledging something great about a person that helps them realize they can be a better version of themselves.
Like celebrating every small accomplishment on a way to improving a behavior.
Opening up
For loving communication, conversations must be easy and smooth.
Engage the other person in the conversation so that both of you speak your mind and listen on a deep level.
Do it especially if you feel the other person is closing down.
Sylvia Larrass, Voice and Communication Сoach, says:
“We underestimate the power of listening. When you allow the other person to simply speak, without judging or trying to ‘fix’ things, they feel
safe to open up. And it’s in that act of opening up that issues often get sorted out, and that the healing can begin.”
Go CEO develop your communication skills
There you go.
Remember this metaphor every time you talk to people.
Become the CEO.
Take charge of your communications.
Activate the loving mode in your conversations.
Master your conversations
If you need help with communication or relationships, check out my life coaching services at
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HELP AND LINKS:
Learn about my services as a communication skills coach:
4 Tips to Get Over Anger | Anger Management Strategies (video):
Life Coach in Toronto: Your Life Version 2.0 (article):
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LINKS MENTIONED IN THE VIDEO:
Barbara DeAngelis:
Sylvia Larrass:
Alexander Lyon:
#HowToDevelopCommunicationSkills #HowToDevelopInterpersonalSkills #LifeCoachToronto
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