Dissolve power struggles through validation and the power of 'AND'

Validation is a kind of communicated empathy. Validation (as used in this video) doesn't refer to agreeing or approving of something but rather it refers to being able to see the other persons thoughts, emotions, actions, etc. as making sense from their point of view or at least seeing it as real. It is simple and yet difficult. Sounds simple to do but in a moment of conflict or emotional pain for someone we care about, we tend to go into "fix-it mode." We tend to try to solve the other's problem when often the other person wants to feel and be heard.

Validation is a game changer. Learning how to "validate the valid" is a powerful skill that can help us to disarm power struggles and shape the micro behaviors in our relationship with someone else toward more openness and respect.

The other powerful concept is using "AND" instead of "BUT" when validating in an interaction. Too often we try to express understanding when in a tension filled conversation and say something like, "I understand how what I said to you could be hurtful, but..." and then we may go on to tell the other person why we are right and they are wrong. The argument or power struggle continues. Until people are walking away more frustrated than before the talk.

Replacing AND for BUT is small but powerful and it's more than just semantics. It shifts our paradigm from debate into dialogue. Which is a much richer and more productive place to be if we want to grow in our relationships with others. Take the example above: "I understand how what I said to you could be hurtful - it makes sense when I consider it from your point of view. AND, I feel hurt as well and want to figure out how we can both be heard without hurting each other."

Try to connect your validating statement and your statement expressing your own sentiment with an AND instead of BUT and see what happens.

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